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Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.