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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.