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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
hilarious
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.