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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.