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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.